


my heart can't take this damage

by BFE



Category: Stranger Things (TV 2016)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Smut, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, max is a dj, xxxtentacion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2020-03-03
Packaged: 2020-08-23 21:10:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,638
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20224885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BFE/pseuds/BFE
Summary: el never returned in 1984. instead, she left with hopper and grew up in indianapolis.mike never forgot about el. while his world fell apart, he did his best to stay strong.(mike makes a viral song and gets interviewed by on a radio station)(basically everything kicks off from there)





	1. the interview

**Author's Note:**

> mike's "song" is just 'changes' by xxxtentacion
> 
> also, max never comes to hawkins in this story and becomes a DJ on a radio station.

El sat on her bed in the apartment she shared with her dad. Searching for the right channel, she fiddled with the radio in her hands. Gasping in delight as she found what she was looking for, El turned up the volume to fill the apartment with noise as she cleaned.

It had been years since she had been in the lab, but she still resented silence. With her dad away at work, there was nothing to fill it. After defeating the Demogorgon, Hop found El in the woods and placed her in his cabin. He made it her first home. ‘ _ Second’  _ The voices in her head whispered to her.

She often thought about Mike, but she refrained from checking up on him in the void. Hopper never allowed El to see Mike in person. He claimed that Mike was being watched by the government. As was the entire town of Hawkins. On the eve of El’s thirteenth birthday, Hopper moved the both of them to Indianapolis. 

Hopper gave her a family, a normal life, and a home, but she still felt she was missing something. She was missing Mike after all these years.

_ It doesn’t matter, he’s moved on by now. He probably forgot about you.  _ El tells herself. She was now twenty years old, yet she never had anything resembling a romantic relationship besides Mike. Her only kiss was Mike’s and his alone.

She shook the negative thoughts out of her head and went back to cleaning. The pop music faded out as the host of the radio station started speaking.

“Hello everyone, it’s your favorite radio personality DJ Max here. I’m here with a new artist who has been recently blowing up for his new single.” The hostess spoke excitedly. El grew fond of DJ Max’s lively personality and became a regular listener of her station.

“Now fair warning out there to my listeners, this song is quite sad. After though, I hope to have a great interview with him and I pray the mood  _ changes _ .” Max said emphasizing the last word.

Not wanting to become more emotional, El was tempted to turn off the radio. But Max said this artist was new to the industry. So El decided to give it a listen and be a loyal fan. Setting her cleaning supplies down, she listened for the song.

The sound of a piano rang through the radio giving a somber vibe.

_ “ _ _ Mmm, baby, I don't understand this _

_ You're changing, I can't stand it _

_ My heart can't take this damage _

_ And the way I feel, can't stand it _

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand this _

_ You're changing, I can't stand it _

_ My heart can't take this damage _

_ And the way I feel, can't stand it _

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand it _

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me, uh _

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

_ Girl, you're making it hard for me _

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand this _

_ You're changing, I can't stand it _

_ My heart can't take this damage _

_ And the way I feel, can't stand it _

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand this _

_ You're changing, I can't stand it _

_ My heart can't take this damage _

_ And the way I feel, can't stand it _

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand this _

_ You're changing, I can't stand it _

_ My heart can't take this damage _

_ And the way I feel, can't stand it _

_ Mmm, baby, I don't understand it” _

The piano faded away and so did the barriers El built up to keep her emotions in check. The singer's voice sounded pained in a way El could feel. The lyrics struck a chord with El as she started bawling.

“Hey listeners, damn that was sad.” El heard the hostess say. Her voice lost the energy it had before and matched the tone of the song that played.

“That was  _ changes _ by Mike Wheeler, I have him right here in the building. Tell me about yourself and that song. It sounds like you were talking about very painful memories.” Max interviewed the man.

El perked up at the name.  _ Mike… It can’t be the same one _

She didn’t recognize his voice in the song, but it became clear it was him during the interview. El only met him before puberty, yet she could hear the old Mike in his deeper voice.

“Yeah, that song was about a darker time in my life,” Mike said without going into detail.

“I hear that you're from Florida. How are you enjoying Indiana? It has to be very different around here.” Max asked Mike

“I actually grew up here for the first half of my life, but when my dad left us we moved.” Mike chuckled.

“Why’d you move to Florida?” Max asked curiously. El sat on the edge of her seat, consuming every word that came out of Mike’s mouth. Hearing him after so long, she never truly realized how much she missed him.

“After one of my sisters friends died unexpectedly, my sister became inconsolably and depressed. She took her own life about a year later.” Mike said with a pained voice. “My family broke apart and my mom moved us to her hometown. It hasn’t been the same since.”

“Im sorry for your loss.” Max said sincerely.

El always assumed Mike would move on from her and live a normal life. She thought he’d go to college and find a girlfriend to settle down with. Fearing she’d never been able to give him that life is what drove her to stay away.

“Thank you, the song is partly dedicated to my sister. Also to my friend Will. He’s gone through a lot of shit in his life and it’s been a struggle to see him hurting.”

Will had been haunted by his time spent in the upside-down. The once jubilant child had been replaced by a fretful one. Constantly looking over his shoulder, Will never seemed to find peace after 1983. El never met Will in person, but Hopper kept in touch with the Byers via monthly phone calls. Hop told El how much Will was struggling with the memories of the upside-down.

“You have a beautiful voice. You convey so much emotion through it.” Max complimented Mike.

“Thank you. It took a lot to write this song. Not only was I bringing up memories of my sister, but also memories of lost love.” Mike said brokenly.

“I was going to bring that up. It sounds to me that this song is specifically for a girl.” Max in

“It’s to you, El. I know you're out there somewhere.” With a teardrop in his eye, Mike walked out of the radio station.

* * *

El turned off the radio and cried herself to sleep. Hearing Mike's voice after all this time had broken all her walls down. Heavy emotions flooded her consciousness until she fell asleep. When Hopper came home he saw El curled up on the couch. Her cheeks were red, and her eyelids still moist from crying. He sighed at the sight before him and draped a blanket over El's body. Letting her sleep, Hopper decided to deal with it in the morning.  
  
  
  



	2. the tape

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> el and hopper get in a fight
> 
> el buys a record and meets a familiar man.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had more ideas for this chapter but I decided to break it up into parts that way you guys can get some stuff to read. If this chapter feels like its unfinished its because it is.

El woke up on the couch with a blanket over her body. Feeling disoriented for not waking up in her own bed, El laid back confused. _ Why did I fall asleep on the couch? _ All of a sudden, the memories of last night flooded through her brain. 

“Hey there… How’re you feeling?” Hop said as he put down his newspaper and took a sip from his mug. Sitting on the lounge chair that was diagonal from the couch, Hopper had sat all morning waiting for El to wake up and wanted to be there if she needed him

Seeing the broken expression flash across El’s face, Hopper rushed to her side.

El told Hopper about the interview with Mike. She told him about how his sister died and his family fell apart. She expected Hopper to be surprised, but he wasn’t. He had a knowing face as if the news didn’t shock him.

Having grown up with Hopper, El learned to understand his facial expression. There was something he wasn’t telling her.

“You knew. All this time and you knew what he was going through.” El accused, tears streaming down her face.

“Joyce… kept me well informed.” Hop said slowly. Being careful with his word choice, he was tried to defuse the impending argument.

“You lie! You kept a secret! You know how much he meant to me and you let him suffer.” El yelled as items around the house levitated around her. Her and Hopper had gotten into arguments before, but El had always kept her powers in check.

“He’s not the same kid he was. Joyce has told me that before. He’s been arrested multiple times. He’s not some nerdy kid who plays DnD in his basement anymore.” Hopper said. Still remaining calm, he didn’t want to further upset her.

“It’s all your fault,” El said as she collapsed on the floor whilst sobbing.

“How is it my fault? I didn’t tell him to grow up and be a fucking delinquent” Hopper yelled, finally losing his temper.

“His dad left him, his sister left him, and… I… I left him.” El sobbed. Curling up into a ball, El sat on the floor.

Jim Hopper was a police officer. He put away the bad guys and criminals, and he usually had no sympathy for them. But as he watched his adoptive daughter, he realized that for the first time, he was willing to listen to the other side of the story.

“El…” Hopper started. His voice softening, he struggled to find the right words.

“I need some fresh air. I’ll be back before dinner.” El said.

Feeling the rooms tension, she felt a wave of emotions spread through her body. El got up unceremoniously and walked out of the apartment. Only giving Hopper a meek goodbye before she closed the front door 

Looking lost, Hopper sat on his couch with no response.

* * *

El walked down the bustling center of Indianapolis. With no destination in mind, El wandered through the streets. As she rounded the corner, El saw a crowd of people emerge in front of a shop. It wasn’t enormous by any means, yet it blocked El from continuing on her way. Weaving through the crowd, El unintentionally picked up what people were talking about.

“I can’t believe he’s in Indiana.”

“Are you going to his show tonight.”

“I heard it’s a small venue.”

“I wonder if he’s as cute in person…”

Intrigued with their conversations, El paused midway through the crowd.

Curiosity taking over her, El tapped on the shoulder of a person. She usually avoided talking to strangers unless she had to for work, but this time El couldn’t help herself.

“Hey… why are people crowding out here?” El asked a man.

Hearing El’s question, the man turned around to reveal his face. He was a tall dark-skinned man and reminded El of someone faintly, but she shook it off.

“Oh, an artist released a new song. Everyone’s waiting to get a copy.” The man quickly explained.

El had never bought a record before and had only listened to whatever was on the radion or Hop had at home. Thinking this might be a fun experience that might take her mind off _him_, El walked into the store.

El looked up and saw the store they were crowded around was a music shop. Moments later, the shop owner came out and welcomed people in. Most of the people rushed to a stack of CDs on the table. El stayed back and looked around the shop. While she had been allowed to roam through the city freely for a long time now, she had never been into a music shop before. Unsure what to do, she soaked in all the posters and album covers that littered the shop. Her senses finally kicking in, she followed the lead of everyone else and walked back up the table and grabbed a copy of the new song. After paying, she came back to the front of the shop.

“Shit! Are you serious? There aren’t any more copies left!” The dark-skinned man from before said.

“Sorry.” An employee said, shrugging his shoulders.

The man looked at his watch and let out a frustrated sigh. “My boss is going to kill me,” he said as he turned to leave, accidentally bumping into El.

“Hey watch where you're going!” El said exacerbated. _ It’s your own fault for being late to work _, El thought.

Seeing El’s face the man eased up. “Sorry... “ He mumbled before walking out.

Maybe it was the emotions that came with hearing Mike’s voice for the first time in years, maybe it was the lack of deep sleep she got last night, or maybe it was a combination of both. Whatever it was, El Hopper was not letting this man off easily. El followed him out of the store.

"Hey mouthbreather, where do you think you're going," El shouted across the sidewalk.

"To my job, which I'm already late for," the man replied.

"And who's fault do you think that is?" El shot back. El couldn't control herself, as her emotional vulnerability was causing her to lash out.

"Could you just stop... I'm sure the second I walk through the doors to the station I'm gonna get a earful. So I don't need some random chick giving me a hard time," the man said nastily.

"Station?" El asked.

"Yeah, I work for a radio station. The record label didn't give us a copy of _Eleven_ beforehand, so my boss sent me out to buy one." Continuing a steady pace down the street, the man explained to El his situation.

"Eleven?" El said, freezing up at the mention of the word in question.

"The song you just bought," the man said with a face that said _duh_.

El looked down at her hand's and was surprised, to say the least.

The cover for the showed a polaroid of a man sitting on the floor with his body slightly contorted. Underneath the words read "_Eleven_, By Mike Wheeler"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> btw if feel like i need to mention this:
> 
> I've been going back and forth on whether i should post my own stories for a while now. I always wanted to but stories by fatechica and fangerlingstrangerthings have always intimidated me to heck. Just by sheer sized, not to mention quality. Anyways, what finally pushed me to start was snowzone5's work. I've been reading them for the past (month?) and it's inspired me. They just pump out stories out and there just as readable as anyone else stuff. If they can do it, then I feel like anyone can.


	3. the show(part 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> el goes to a show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's back, back again. BFE is back, tell a friend!
> 
> Also, if anyone is willing to co-write this story I'd love to collaborate. I have the entire plot of the story mapped out, but I have trouble finding time to write a lot and I feel like someone to bounce ideas off with would bring life back into this story. Send me a message if you're interested.

Suddenly feeling lightheaded, El looked up from what was in her hands. _ Mike named a song after me? _

El thought back what Mike said in the interview, _ ‘It’s to you, El. I know you're out there somewhere.’ _ He hasn’t given up on me yet. Maybe this is his way of reaching out to her?

Snapping her out of her thoughts, the man said, “Hey are you okay?”

Reacclimating to her surroundings, El muttered something and wandered off. She left the apartment to get away from her thoughts, not create any more worries in her head that didn’t already exist. The world around El was spinning, and she felt lost. Once again, she wandered down random streets with the CD still in hand.

It was all too much, the noise of the streets, the smell of the vendors, and the bustling businessmen who were off to work. They all had places to be and things to do. But El was lost, and she didn’t know her purpose. Should she try to contact Mike? Even if she wanted to, how would she do it? Mike had a platform to reach large crowds of people through his music, but she didn’t have anything like that. 

She overheard people at the music shop going to a show. Mike was supposedly performing, but El didn’t know the first thing about going to a concert. _ Hop might know, _ She thought. She looked up at the street signs and was confused. Even though she has lived in Indianapolis for years, she rarely strayed too far from home. Mainly going to the bookstore or the station where Hop worked.

The brief moment of hope that she had was quickly crushed. She couldn’t find her way home, so why did she think she could navigate the city to find Mike.

* * *

_ Holy shit Max is going to kill me! _ Lucas thought as he looked desperately through the crowded Indianapolis streets. Lucas had just gotten his job and he couldn’t let his boss down on the first task she gave him. The viewership numbers would be down if they couldn’t play the song, and his boss would blame him.

If he could convince that girl to give him her copy, then he might not get fired. He was already late and if he came back empty-handed…

Using his height to his advantage, Lucas looked over the heads of the people around him in search of the girl. Quickening his pace, Lucas strode through the crowds in desperation. Just as he was about to give up, Lucas heard quiet sobs. He turned to see the girl from the music store. She was lying on the ground, curled into a ball.

“Hey… Are you alright?” Lucas asked softly, bending down onto his knees.

Wiping her tears, the girl looked into Lucas’s eyes. Somewhere, deep in his brain, a spark went off. The lost look she gave him was reminiscent of the girl they found out in the woods in 1983. _ It can’t be the same person._ _She died._

“Yeah sorry… it’s not you… I got personal problems in my life right now.” She said, carefully choosing her words.

“Sorry to hear that… I guess I get where you're coming from in a way. I’m stressed out because I just started a new job and I need to get that song. Is there any way you could help me out?” Lucas asked.

* * *

A light bulb went off in her head and a plan was set. This man needed something she had, and she could use help from this man. There was hope after all.

“Yes. I can give you it." El said confidently.

"Awesome! What did the store charge you? I'll pay you back." The man said, brightening up.

"I don't need the money. Can you get me to the concert?" El asked.

"The Mike Wheeler one?" He asked.

"Yeah!"

"You got yourself a deal." The man said, reaching with his arm for a handshake. "I'm Lucas Sinclair, what's your name?"

Internally she was shocked, but her exterior painted a different picture. Without missing a beat, El met him with a handshake.

"Jane Hopper, a pleasure doing business."

_Hopper? Why does that sound familiar? _Lucas thought. It had been years since that fateful day, and the police chief didn't come to his mind first.

* * *

To say Jim Hopper felt bad was an understatement. He felt like **shit****_. _ **He made his own kid cry. Sure, as a parent you had little spats with your kid but, at the end of the day, El always understood that he wanted the best for her. Now he wasn't sure that was true.

The Wheeler boy had been in a downward spiral ever since He and El left Hawkins, but it's not like he could have intervened. The government visited Mike after the final showdown and frequently staked out his house. As long as the DOE stood, El would never be safe with Mike, yet Jim felt like there was still something he could have done. The least he can do now is diffuse the situation at hand. Whenever there was a conflict within the Hopper house, He made sure to welcome El home with a nice Eggo Waffle special.

The first step was the easiest. All you had to do was put them in the toaster. The second proved more difficult; you had to cut up gummy bears and stuff them in each pocket of the waffle. Third, you layered it in whipped cream and chocolate syrup.

_If anything can help patch things up with El, It will be this extravaganza. _Hopper thought.  
  



	4. the show(part 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> el goes to a show.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! for the story this is set when CD's were still a thing, but the music im displaying is definitely more recent.
> 
> all in all. suspend your disbelief i guess.
> 
> also, i slightly(keyword slightly) altered the lyrics to the song to fit with the story, so heads up if you decide to listen to the real versions.
> 
> 1st song- Jocelyn Flores, by XXXTENTACION
> 
> 2nd song- Look at me!, by XXXTENTACION

"Follow me," Lucas said. He needed to get to work quickly with this copy of the song. Of course, he could just leave this random girl, but Lucas thought he was a better person than that. Plus, he needed to get the song to Max or he'd probably lose the job he had worked so hard to get. If he could just get this girl and her copy of the song to the station in time, then he could properly worry about fulfilling his side of the deal.

"Okay, how far are we going?" Jane asked as she followed him down the sidewalk.

"Not far, It's just around the corner. I work at 99.5 with DJ Max." Lucas explained.

"Oh, I love DJ Max! I listen to her all the time!" Jane told him excitedly. Not only would El be able to see Mike again, but she could meet one of her favorite celebrities in the process. Today might be the best day of her life! Maybe she should get out of the apartment more often.

_Flashback- 1985_

_"Welcome to Indianapolis," Hop said excitedly as he opened up a bottle of champagne. They had just moved into their apartment in the city._

_El giggled, "Hop, you'll get it all over the new floors."_

_"Phff, you sound like my mother. Plus we finally are out of the cramped cabin." Hop said._

_It's true, El was thankful to get out of that cabin, but a part of herself longed to be back with Mike._

_Hop saw the look on her face. "I know you miss him, but look on the bright side. You can finally go outside a little bit and enjoy the fresh air!" Hop said in a protective dad voice, "Explore the block, just make sure you don't go too far!"_

_"Good idea", She said to appease Hop. She walked outside of the apartment and looked around. She didn't see much she could enjoy because she knew deep down that exploring the world was no fun. Not if she couldn't have Mike with her._

_End flashback_

* * *

"Welcome to the station!" Lucas said.

El looked around, all the equipment and people amazed her. She must have been looking aimlessly for a while because out of nowhere a certain red-head appeared.

"Lucas! Who the hell is this rando?" Max asked. "What did I tell you about bringing girls to the station to woo them?"

El looked bewildered. _Rando?_

Lucas looked flustered and stammered for a response. "Wha... No! She's... She's here strictly for business purposes!"

"And what is this business?" She asked.

"I couldn't get a copy of the new tape, but El offered to loan hers as long as we got her a ticket to Mike's show," Lucas explained.

Now it was Max's turn to be bewildered. "What the fuck man? I didn't approve of this deal." She said.

Max looked at the girl in her station. "Well... We really need this song... And you went out of your way to come here. Fine I'll give you the ticket."

Lucas made the exchange as Max took the CD into the room with all their equipment.

El's ears perked up as the song began to play. Mike had named the song after her. Almost as though he was directly talking to her.

"

_I know you so well, so well_

  
_I mean, I can do anything that he can_

_I've been pretty_

_I know you're somewhere, somewhere_

_I've been trapped in my mind girl, just holding on_

_I don't wanna pretend there's something, we're nothing_

_I've been stuck thinking 'bout her, I can't hold back_

_I'm in pain, wanna put ten shots in my brain_

_I've been tripping 'bout some things, can't change_

_Suicidal, same time I'm tame_

_Picture this, in bed, get a phone call_

_Girl that you loved killed herself_

_That was in summer and nobody helped_

_And ever since then, man, I hate myself_

_Wanna fucking end it_

_Pessimistic_

_All wanna see me with no pot to piss in_

_But people been excited 'bout the grave I'm digging_

_Having conversations about my haste decisions_

_Fucking sickening_

_At the same time, memory surfaced through the grapevine_

_'Bout my sister playing with a slipknot_

_Post traumatic stress got me fucked up_

_Been fucked up since a couple months they havin' me locked up_

_I be feeling pain, I be feeling pain just to hold on_

_And I don't feel the same, I'm so numb_

_I be feeling pain, I be feeling pain just to hold on_

_And I don't feel the same, I'm so numb_

_I know you so well, I know you well_

_I mean, I can do anything that he can_

_I've been pretty_

_"_

El almost broke down crying. _Not in front of these people. _El thought. Mike was hurt and broken inside and she was the only one who could help him.

She had to talk to him at the concert.

* * *

El walked through the packed venue. She desperately needed to get to the stage and let Mike know that she was still here and searching for him too. There were so many people, but El couldn't let that get to her head.

Music started to play. An unfamiliar tune entered El's ear. The crowd went wild and started jumping up and down to the song. The energy in the room was off the charts and nothing like anything El had experienced before. Her senses were flooded as she curled up on the floor, unable to move. The crowd around her still violently moshed to the song.

"

I'm like bitch, who is your mans?, aye  
Can't keep my dick in my pants, aye  
My bitch don't love me no more, aye  
She kick me out I'm like vro, aye  
That bitch don't wanna be friends, aye  
I gave her dick, she got mad, aye  
She put her tongue on my dick, aye  
Look at my wrist, about 10, aye  
Just got a pound of that boof, aye  
Brought that shit straight to the booth, aye  
Tommy my Hilfiger boots, aye  
She said want fuck bitch, I do, aye  
You put a gun on my mans, aye  
I put a hole in your parents, aye  
I just got lean on my ksubis, aye  
I got an uzi no uzi, aye

Fuck on me, look at me, Ay  
Fuck on me, yeah, look at me, ay  
Look at me, look at me, yeah  
Fuck on me, yeah  
Look at me, yeah, fuck on me  
Look at me, fuck on me, yeah  
Look at me, fuck on me  
Yeah, ay

I took a white bitch to starbucks  
That lil' bitch got her throat fucked  
I like to rock out, I'm misfit  
My emo bitch like her wrist slit  
Curly hair bitch like I'm Corbin  
Got like three bitches, I'm mormon  
Skeet on your main bitch's forehead  
Don't want your pussy, just want head

Look at me, fuck on me  
Look at me, fuck on me  
Look at me, fuck on me  
Look at me, yeah, aye  
Look at me, fuck on me  
Look at me, fuck on me  
Look at me, fuck on me  
Look at me, yeah

"

Such anger and hate towards the world within those lyrics. As the song came to an end, El stood up. There she saw the man she had been looking for on stage.

_That was his song, those were his words. _El thought. _Hop was right. Mike did change, but that doesn't mean El still couldn't help him._

* * *

Hopper kept staring out the window, but he knew she wasn't coming anytime soon. He had always made sure to welcome El home with a nice Eggo Waffle special. Never had he thought that she wouldn't bother coming back. Suddenly, he understood it all. All the lashing out, all the pain, and all the depression, Mike Wheeler never got to welcome El home.


End file.
